Birthday today. Did a few things.
Dropped son to pre school in the morning. Returned the family book to his school - book about Respect. I stayed up until 2 am to put this together.
Had a career coach session with UNSW career office. The coach gave me lots of advice on optimising my CV.
Went to parents meeting at daughter’s school in the afternoon. Met some parents in her new class. The kids always get reallocated a new class each year. I see this as a great idea to promote socialisation skills and resilience.
Then, I could not help but feeling very depressed in the evening. I have got to admit, that I have been depressed lately. I am a little worried about doing stupid things in depression and anxiety - I tend to attempt on seeking risks when moody.
The trigger, obviously is as usual - family. My parents forgot about my birthday. And wife remembers my birthday the whole time, and talks about it. Then no food on the table for the kids upon my return from the family meeting. I think I knew this coming the whole time. I would not mind it if I don’t celebrate my birthday. What really gets me is how unsettled, uncivilised and unhealthy this family is. And all family members are really dependent on me. The subtle conflicts among family members also worsens it. Sure, I get it. We are the first generation immigrants, we already have a pretty good life. But, not if the home is always so unorganised with filthy floors, filthy cars, and always seemingly on the verge of collapsing.
But the underlying cause of my recent depression. I think is the unsettling career transition (the longer it takes, the worse it gets; particularly after I gave up upon my finance business and moved back to clinical job). Again, being a clinician, I have to remind myself that it is very common to be in depression; and the important thing is to keep calm, feel free to express it and seek professional help. But, these words, are just words, when one is really depressed.
I left my phone home, went for a jog. It was a bit warm today, and my usual jogging ground was claimed by a few unleashed dogs. I felt tired, with no motivation to run; so I sat down. I asked myself, when would I get to enjoy a regular life with set schedulesWhen would I get to let the kids run wildly with their dogThen I saw a father, he is fit, outspoken, tanned skin with dark hair. He speaks Mandarin, in a north eastern accent (migrated to this country like me). He took his kids on the field for soccer training. He gave loud commands to his son, telling him to go faster, strike the ball harder. He must be a strict father, I thought.
He run with his kids, he tells them how to train for every move and every strike. This is how a father should be. I have no double that he works hard, but he makes his kids to commit on something, a regular routine. I realised, a father must work on providing his family a stable life. Stop winging about family matters. Stop being sensitive. Remember: Responsibility, Resilience, Ruthlessness!
I quote: a man should stop asking what his family can do for him, and think about what he can do for his family.
So, for future reference. When overwhelmed by family’s demands and conflicts, go find a quiet spot and enjoy some time alone. Heavy exercise really helps. Then, question myself, am I being self centredHave I fulfilled a father’s responsibilityAlso, show some understanding to family.
In the long run, I should definitely focus on just one career. Have a regular life style. So I do need to get the career transition done asap.
Son acts really like me. Like father like son. He is gentle, strong, technical and curious. He is quiet at preschool like me. I would not suppress him. He needs confidence. I never got this but I wish this for him: contact team sports.