-*-
5
阿黛尔给大家分配了座位：我坐在尼诺旁边，在塔兰塔诺对面，她坐在塔兰塔诺旁边，尼诺对面。我们点了餐，这时候，我们的话题转到了那个戴眼镜的男人身上，他是一位意大利文学教授——我现在明白了——他长期给《晚邮报》撰稿，他是天主教民主党的人。无论是阿黛尔还是她的朋友，他们现在都彻底放开了，不像在书店里那样克制自己，他们畅所欲言。他们说了那个人的很多坏话，然后大力赞扬了尼诺，说他做得好，就是应该挤兑那个老头。尤其让他们觉得愉快的是那老头离开大厅时，尼诺对他说的话，那是他们都听到，但我没听到的话。他们每个字都记得，尼诺笑着说他不记得了。但后来那些话被复述出来了，也可能是当场改编的，大概是这么说的：您呢？为了捍卫权威，还有权威的言论，您甚至可以把民主搁置到一边。从那时候起，只有他们三个人在说话，谈得非常热闹。他们说到了间谍、希腊问题、秘密审判和酷刑、越南问题，还有意大利、欧洲甚至是全世界的学生运动的不成熟性，还提到艾罗塔教授在《桥报》上面发表的一篇文章，那篇文章谈论的是大学里的教学和研究条件。尼诺说，他认同艾罗塔教授说的每个字。
Adele assigned us places: I was next to
? Nino and opposite Tarratano, she next to Tarratano and opposite Nino. We
? ordered, and meanwhile the conversation had shifted to the man with the thick
? glasses, a professor of Italian literature—I learned—a Christian Democrat,
? and a regular contributor to the Corriere della Sera. Adele and her friend
? now lost all restraint. Outside of the bookstore ritual, they couldn’t say
? enough bad things about the man, and they congratulated Nino for the way he
? had confronted and routed him. They especially enjoyed recalling what Nino
? had said as the man was leaving the room, remarks they had heard and I
? hadn’t. They asked him what his exact words were, and Nino retreated, saying
? that he didn’t remember. But then the words emerged, maybe reinvented for the
? occasion, something like: In order to safeguard authority in all of its
? manifestations, you suspend democracy. And from there the three of them took
? off, talking, with increasing ardor, about the secret services, about Greece,
? about torture in the Greek prisons, about Vietnam, about the unexpected
? uprising of the student movement not only in Italy but in Europe and the
? world, about an article in Il Ponte by Professor Airota—which Nino said that
? he agreed with, word for word—about the conditions of research and teaching
? in the universities.
“我会告诉我女儿马丽娅罗莎，说您喜欢那篇文章，”阿黛尔说，“她觉得那篇文章写得很糟糕。”
“I’ll tell my daughter that you liked
? it,” Adele said. “Mariarosa thought it was terrible.”
“马丽娅罗莎只热衷于这个世界不能给予她的东西。”
“Mariarosa gets passionate only about
? what the world can’t give.”
“说得太对了，她就是这样。”
“Very good, that really is what she’s
? like.”
我一点儿也不了解我未来公公的那篇文章，这让我很不自在，我在一旁默默地听着。在这之前，我先是要应付考试，然后是毕业论文，最后是那本匆忙出版的书，这些让我投入了大部分时间。对于这个世界在发生的事情，我只是了解了表面，我基本没有关注过学生运动、游行、冲突、受伤的人、被捕的人，还有流血事件。我已经离开大学了，关于大学里的情况，我只能通过彼得罗的抱怨得以了解，他在信中是这样描述学生运动的：“比萨发生的蠢事儿”。结果是，周围发生了很多事情，和我共餐的这些人对这些事都非常了解，尤其是尼诺，而我却不是很清楚。我坐在他旁边，听他说话，我们胳膊碰着胳膊，虽然只是隔着衣服的接触，但仍然让我很激动。他还是保留了对数字的热爱，他列举出了学校里注册的学生人数——简直太多了，还有学校校舍的真实容量，以及那些“权贵”的工作时间，那些人不是致力于教书、做研究，而是坐在议会里，要么给管理机构当顾问，要么是给私人企业当顾问。阿黛尔在那里听着，她的朋友也听着，时不时会插句话，他们提到一些我从来没听说过的人名。我感觉自己被排除在外。庆祝我的书出版，已经不是他们考虑的事儿了，我未来的婆婆似乎已经忘记了她提到的惊喜。我小声说，我离开一下，阿黛尔漫不经心地做了一个手势，尼诺还是热情洋溢地在说话。塔兰塔诺应该觉察到我有些烦了，他很小声地激励我说：
I knew nothing of that article by my
? future father-*-law. The subject made me uneasy, and I listened in silence.
? First my exams, then my thesis, then the book and its rapid publication had
? absorbed much of my time. I was informed about world events only superficially,
? and I had picked up almost nothing about students, demonstrations, clashes,
? the wounded, arrests, blood. Since I was now outside the university, all I
? really knew about that chaos was Pietro’s grumblings, his complaints about
? what he called literally “the Pisan nonsense.” As a result I felt around me a
? scene with confusing features: features that, however, my companions seemed
? able to decipher with great precision, Nino even more than the others. I sat
? beside him, I listened, I touched his arm with mine, a contact merely of
? fabrics which nevertheless agitated me. He had kept his fondness for figures:
? he was giving a list of numbers, of students enrolled in the university, a
? crowd by now, and of the capacity of the buildings; of the hours the tenured
? professors actually worked, and how many of them, rather than doing research
? and teaching, sat in parliament or on administrative committees or devoted
? themselves to lucrative consulting jobs and private practice. Adele agreed,
? and so did her friend; occasionally they interrupted, mentioning people I had
? never heard of. I felt excluded. The celebration for my book was no longer at
? the top of their thoughts, my mother-*-law seemed to have forgotten even the
? surprise she had announced for me. I said that I had to get up for a moment;
? Adele nodded absently, Nino continued to speak passionately. Tarratano must
? have thought that I was getting bored and said kindly, almost in a whisper:
“那您赶紧回来，我想知道您的看法。”
“Hurry back, I’d like to hear your
? opinion.”
“我没有什么看法。”我带着一个苍白的微笑说。
“I don’t have opinions,” I said with a
? half smile.
这次他微笑了，说：“作家总能想出来一个。”
He smiled in turn: “A writer always
? invents one.”
“也许，我不是作家。”
“Maybe I’m not a writer.”
“是的，您是作家。”
“Yes, you are.”
我去了洗手间。尼诺总是有能力向我展示，他一张嘴，就会显现出我的落伍。我应该接着学习了，我想，我怎么能这么放任自流呢？当然，假如我愿意的话，我也能带着一点儿热情，不懂装懂地迎合一下。我不能这样继续下去，我学了太多不重要的东西，而那些关键的知识，我却没掌握。我和弗朗科的故事结束之后，我逐渐失去了他传递给我的，对于世界的好奇心。和彼得罗订婚，对我也没有什么帮助，对他不感兴趣的东西，我也失去了兴趣。彼得罗和他父亲、母亲还有姐姐是多么不同啊！尤其是，他和尼诺是多么不同啊！也许对于他来说，我的小说都不应该写出来，他几乎是很不耐烦地接受了这本书，就好像它背叛了学术世界。哦，可能是我太夸张了，这都是我的错。我是一个很局限的女孩，我只能专注于一件事情，从而忽略其他事情，现在我要改变现状。在这场令人厌烦的晚饭之后，我会开始改变自己，我会把尼诺拉走，强迫他整个晚上都和我散步，我会问他，我应该看什么书，看什么电影，听什么音乐。我会拉着他的胳膊说：“我很冷……”这不完整的句子是含糊的暗示，我会隐藏自己的焦虑。我想，这可能是我们唯一的机会，明天我会离开，再也见不到他。
I went to the bathroom. Nino had always
? had the capacity, as soon as he opened his mouth, to demonstrate to me my
? backwardness. I have to start studying, I thought, how could I let myself go
? like thisOf course, if I want I can fake some expertise and some
? enthusiasm. But I can’t go on like that, I’ve learned too many things that
? don’t count and very few that do. At the end of my affair with Franco, I had
? lost the little curiosity about the world that he had instilled in me. And my
? engagement to Pietro hadn’t helped, what didn’t interest him lost interest
? for me. How different Pietro is from his father, his sister, his mother. And
? how different he is from Nino. If it had been up to him, I wouldn’t ever have
? written my novel. He was almost irritated by it, as an infraction of the
? academic rules. Or maybe I’m exaggerating, it’s just my problem. I’m so
? limited, I can only concentrate on one thing at a time, excluding everything
? else. But now I’ll change. Right after this boring dinner I’ll drag Nino with
? me, I’ll make him walk all night, I’ll ask him what books I should read, what
? films I should see, what music I should listen to. And I’ll take him by the
? arm, I’ll say: I’m cold. Confused intentions, incomplete proposals. I hid
? from myself the anxiety I felt, I said to myself only: It might be the only
? chance we have, tomorrow I’m leaving, I won’t see him again.
这时候，我带着怒火看着镜中的自己：满脸疲惫，下巴上有很多小痘，眼圈发青，这预示着我的月经快要来了。我又矮又丑，胸太大。我从开始就应该明白，他从来都没有喜欢过我，他选择了莉拉，而不是我，这并非偶然。但结果呢？她在性方面有问题，尼诺是这么说的。我当时真不应该改变话题，我应该展示出我的好奇，让他继续说下去。下次假如他再提起这事儿，我应该更开明一点，我会对他说：“我想问一下，一个女孩子性方面有问题是什么表现？”我会解释说，假如有必要的话，我会纠正自己，不知道这是不是可以纠正。我带着一丝恶心，想到了我和他父亲在玛隆蒂海滩上发生的事情，也想到了我和弗朗科在比萨大学宿舍的小床上的性爱。在那些时候，我是不是也做了一些错误的举动，他们也觉察到了，但他们没有告诉我？假如那天晚上我和尼诺上床，我还是会犯一样的错误。他也会想，我跟莉拉一样也有问题。他会不会背着我，和我在比萨高等师范的朋友谈论这个问题，甚至是和马丽娅罗莎谈论这个问题？
Meanwhile I gazed angrily into the
? mirror. My face looked tired, small pimples on my chin and dark circles under
? my eyes announced my period. I’m ugly, short, my bust is too big. I should
? have understood long ago that he never liked me, it was no coincidence that
? he preferred Lila. But with what resultShe’s made badly even when it comes
? to sex, he said. I was wrong to avoid the subject. I should have acted
? curious, let him continue. If he talks about it again I’ll be more
? open-minded, I’ll say: what does it mean that a girl is made badly when it
? comes to sexI’m asking you, I’ll explain laughing, so that I can correct
? myself, if it seems necessary. Assuming that one can correct it, who knows. I
? remembered with disgust what had happened with his father on the beach at the
? Maronti. I thought of making love with Franco on the little bed in his room
? in Pisa—had I done something wrong that he had noticed but had tactfully not
? mentioned to meAnd if that very evening, let’s say, I had gone to bed with
? Nino, would I make more mistakes, so that he would think: she’s made badly,
? like Lila, and would he speak of it behind my back to his girlfriends at the
? university, maybe even to Mariarosa
我意识到，他的那些话太冒犯人了，我不得不指责他。我应该告诉他，从那场他评价很差的性关系里，产生了一个孩子，那就是小詹纳罗，他非常聪明。我应该说，你这样说是不对的，问题不能简化为谁在性方面有问题，莉拉为了你，已经毁掉了自己。我决定，当我摆脱了阿黛尔和她的朋友，尼诺陪我到宾馆时，我会跟他说这些话。
I realized the offensiveness of those
? words; I should have rebuked him. From that mistaken sex, I should have said
? to him, from an experience of which you now express a negative opinion, came
? a child, little Gennaro, who is very intelligent: it’s not nice for you to
? talk like that, you can’t reduce the question to who is made badly and who is
? made well. Lila ruined herself for you. And I made up my mind: when I get rid
? of Adele and her friend, when he walks me to the hotel, I’ll return to the
? subject and tell him.
我从洗手间里出来，回到餐厅里，我发现我不在期间，情况发生了变化。我未来的婆婆一看到我，就对我招手，她兴高采烈地对我说：“你的惊喜终于到了。”那个惊喜就是彼得罗，他坐在阿黛尔身边。
I came out of the bathroom. I went back
? to the dining room and discovered that during my absence the situation had
? changed. As soon as my mother-*-law saw me, she waved and said happily, her
? cheeks alight: the surprise finally got here. The surprise was Pietro, he was
? sitting next to her.
-*-
6
我的未婚夫一看到我，马上就站起来拥抱了我。我从来都没有跟他提到过尼诺，我提到过安东尼奥，次数也不多，我只是跟他提到过我和弗朗科之间的关系，当时这在比萨高等师范的学生中人尽皆知。我从来都没提到过尼诺的名字。这是一件让我痛苦的事，那些糟糕的事情让我很羞愧——把这个故事讲述出来，就意味着要坦白，我一直爱着一个人，说出为什么我爱他，需要把这件事厘清，就要说明尼诺的意义，就要说到莉拉、伊斯基亚，也许最后会促使我承认，我在书中讲述的那个情节：女主人公和成熟男人的性爱是源于我在玛隆蒂海滩上的体验，是一个绝望的小姑娘做出的选择。事情过去了那么久，我现在觉得，那是一件很恶心的事，但那是我自己的事儿，我要埋在心里。假如彼得罗知道这些，他一定会明白我见到他为什么会那么不高兴。
My fiancé jumped up, he embraced me. I
? had never told him anything about Nino. I had said a few words about Antonio,
? and had told him something about my relationship with Franco, which, besides,
? was well known in the student world of Pisa. Nino, however, I had never
? mentioned. It was a story that hurt me, it had painful moments that I was
? ashamed of. To tell it meant to confess that I had loved forever a person as
? I would never love him. And to give it an order, a sense, involved talking
? about Lila, about Ischia, maybe even going so far as to admit that the
? episode of sex with an older man, as it appeared in my book, was inspired by
? a true experience at the Maronti, by a decision that I had made as a
? desperate girl and which now, after so much time had passed, seemed to me
? repugnant. My own business, therefore. I had held on to my secrets. If Pietro
? had known, he would have easily understood why I was greeting him without
? pleasure.
他坐在了桌子的首席，在他母亲和尼诺之间，他狼吞虎咽地吃了一块牛排，喝了葡萄酒，他看着我，他感觉到了我的坏心情，因此表现得有些小心翼翼。当然了，他觉得自己有些理亏，因为在我人生中一个非常重要的时刻，他没有及时赶到。他觉得自己对这件事不够重视，可能会被我理解为他不爱我，毕竟他让我一个人面对那些陌生的面孔，少了他精神上的支持。很难向他解释，我阴着脸不说话正是因为他现在来了，而且夹在我和尼诺中间。
He sat down again at the head of the
? table, between his mother and Nino. He ate a steak, drank some wine, but he
? looked at me in alarm, aware of my unhappiness. Certainly he felt at fault
? because he hadn’t arrived in time and had missed an important event in my
? life, because his neglect could be interpreted as a sign that he didn’t love
? me, because he had left me among strangers without the comfort of his
? affection. It would have been difficult to tell him that my dark face, my
? muteness, could be explained precisely by the fact that he hadn’t remained
? completely absent, that he had intruded between me and Nino.
尼诺呢——让我更不高兴的是——虽然他坐在我身边，但他一句话也不跟我说。好像彼得罗来了让他很高兴，他给彼得罗倒酒，请他抽自己的烟，还给他点上了一根。现在，他们两人都在吞云吐雾，谈到从比萨开车到米兰很累，还谈到了开车的乐趣。让我惊异的是他们之间的区别：尼诺很瘦，很修长，声音很高，也很热情；彼得罗又矮又结实，顶着一头乱糟糟、有些可笑的头发，额头很高，腮帮子很大，脸剃得发青，声音很低沉。他们好像很高兴能相互认识，这对于彼得罗来说很不正常，因为他一贯只专注于自己的事情，并不热衷于社会交往。尼诺对他的研究表现出极浓的兴趣（他读了一篇文章，文中反对喝葡萄酒，反对任何形式的醉酒，推崇牛奶和蜂蜜），他想引导彼得罗谈论这个问题。关于这些话题，我的未婚夫向来都倾向于什么都不说，但这次他妥协了，他很耐心地纠正了那种观点，然后开始敞开心扉。正当彼得罗畅所欲言时，阿黛尔插了一句：
Nino, meanwhile, was making me even more
? unhappy. He was sitting next to me but didn’t address a word to me. He seemed
? happy about Pietro’s arrival. He poured wine for him, offered him cigarettes,
? lighted one, and now they were both smoking, lips compressed, and talking
? about the difficult journey by car from Pisa to Milan, and the pleasure of
? driving. It struck me how different they were: Nino thin, lanky, his voice
? high and cordial; Pietro thick-*-humoredly, he opened up. But just when
? Pietro was starting to gain confidence, Adele interrupted.
“别聊闲话了，”她对儿子说，“你给埃莱娜准备的惊喜呢？”
“Enough talk,” she said to her son. “What
? about the surprise for Elena?”
我看着她，有些迷惑，还有其他惊喜吗？彼得罗一刻不停地开车过来，就是为了赶上我的庆功晚宴，这还不够吗？我带着好奇想。这时候，我的未婚夫做出一副不高兴的样子，我了解他的反应——那是在环境的迫使下，不得不说自己好话时，他脸上才会有的表情。他向我宣布，几乎是嘟囔着说，他正式成为一名非常年轻的教授，佛罗伦萨大学聘请他做正教授。他说话的样子，就像是发生了奇迹，才让他一下子成为了教授。他就是这样的人，从来不夸耀自己，也从来都没有提到过他面临的严峻考验，以至于我根本不知道，他作为学者是那么受器重。现在，就这样，他几乎是用轻蔑的语气说了这个消息，就好像是他母亲逼他说的，就好像这对他来说毫无意义。但实际上，这意味着他年纪轻轻就取得了让人称道的成绩，意味着经济保证，意味着可以离开比萨，轻松地摆脱那里的政治和文化氛围。我不知道为什么，这几个月他有些受不了那个城市。这尤其意味着，在那年秋天，或者最晚第二年开春，我们就会结婚，我就会离开那不勒斯。没人提到最后这件事情，但大家都恭喜彼得罗，也恭喜我，包括尼诺。在听到这个消息之后，他看了看表，语气尖酸地说到了大学里的职称，然后就向大家抱歉，说他该走了。
I looked at her uncertainly. There were
? other surprisesWasn’t it enough that Pietro had driven for hours without
? stopping, to arrive only in time for the dinner in my honorI thought of my
? fiancé with curiosity, he had a sulky expression that I knew and that he
? assumed when circumstances forced him to speak about himself in public. He
? announced to me, but almost in a whisper, that he had become a tenured
? professor, a very young tenured professor, with a position at Florence. Like
? that, by magic, in his typical fashion. He never boasted of his brilliance,
? he was scarcely aware of his value as a scholar, he kept silent about the
? struggles he had endured. And now, look, he mentioned that news casually, as
? if he had been forced to by his mother, as if for him it meant nothing. In
? fact, it meant remarkable prestige at a young age, it meant economic
? security, it meant leaving Pisa, it meant escaping a political and cultural
? climate that for months, I don’t know why, had exasperated him. It meant
? finally that in the fall, or at the beginning of the next year, we would get
? married and I would leave Naples. No one mentioned this last thing, instead
? they all congratulated Pietro and me. Even Nino, who right afterward looked
? at his watch, made some acerbic remarks on university careers, and exclaimed
? that he was sorry but he had to go.
所有人都站了起来。我不知道该怎么办才好，我感觉胸口一阵疼痛，我很想抓住他的目光。都结束了，我失去了一个机会，那些愿望也泡汤了。我们走到路上，我希望他能给我一个电话号码，一个地址，但他只是握了握我的手，祝我一切如意。从那时候开始，我觉得他的每个动作都是想摆脱我。告别的时候，我微笑着挥动一只手，好像手里拿着一支笔，其实那是一个祈求，意思是：你知道我住在哪儿，给我写信吧，求你了，但他已经转身离去。
We all got up. I didn’t know what to do,
? I uselessly sought his gaze, as a great sorrow filled my heart. End of the
? evening, missed opportunity, aborted desires. Out on the street I hoped that
? he would give me a phone number, an address. He merely shook my hand and
? wished me all the best. From that moment it seemed to me that each of his
? gestures was deliberately cutting me off. As a kind of farewell I gave him a
? half smile, waving my hand as if I were holding a pen. It was a plea, it
? meant: you know where I live, write to me, please. But he had already turned
? his back.
-*-
7
我对阿黛尔和她的朋友表示感谢，还特别感谢了他们为我，还有我的书所遭的罪。他们俩都诚恳地赞美了尼诺，说了尼诺很多好话，就好像他长得那么可爱、那么聪明，都是因为我的缘故。彼得罗什么也没说，只是在他母亲要他早点回去时，他做了一个不耐烦的动作。他们都住在马丽娅罗莎那里。我马上对他说：“你不用陪我去宾馆，你和你母亲回去吧。”没有人觉得我这是真心话，但实际上，我真的很不开心，想一个人待着。
I thanked Adele and her friend for all
? the trouble they had taken for me and for my book. They both praised Nino at
? length, sincerely, speaking to me as if it were I who had contributed to
? making him so likable, so intelligent. Pietro said nothing, he merely nodded
? a bit nervously when his mother told him to return soon, they were both
? guests of Mariarosa. I said immediately: you don’t have to come with me, go
? with your mother. It didn’t occur to anyone that I was serious, that I was
? unhappy and would rather be alone.
一路上，我的情绪都非常糟糕，我的未婚夫简直没法和我交流。我感叹说，我不喜欢佛罗伦萨，那不是真的；我说我再也不想写作，我想教书，那也不是真的；我说我很累、很困，那也不是真的。不仅仅如此，当彼得罗毫无预告地向我宣布，他想去那不勒斯见我的父母，我对他叫喊着说：“你疯了吗？你应该放过我的父母，你不适合他们，他们也不适合你。”他有些担忧地问我：
All the way back I was impossible. I
? exclaimed that I didn’t like Florence, and it wasn’t true. I exclaimed that I
? didn’t want to write anymore, I wanted to teach, and it wasn’t true. I
? exclaimed that I was tired, I was very sleepy, and it wasn’t true. Not only
? that. When, suddenly, Pietro declared that he wanted to meet my parents, I
? yelled at him: you’re crazy, forget my parents, you’re not suitable for them
? and they aren’t suitable for you. Then he was frightened, and asked:
“你不想嫁给我了？”
“Do you not want to marry me anymore?”
那时候我差一点儿就说：“是的，我不想嫁给你了。”但我马上就忍住了，我知道那不是真的。我轻声说：“对不起，我很沮丧，我当然想嫁给你。”我拉住了他的一只手，和他十指相扣。他是个聪明的男人，非常博学，也很善良，我很喜欢他，我不想让他痛苦。尽管如此，当我拉着他的手，说我想嫁给他的时候，我清楚地知道，假如那天晚上他没有出现在餐厅里，我会试着得到尼诺。
I was about to say: No, I don’t want to,
? but I restrained myself in time, I knew that that wasn’t true, either. I said
? weakly, I’m sorry, I’m depressed, of course I want to marry you, and I took
? his hand, I interlaced my fingers in his. He was an intelligent man,
? extraordinarily cultured, and good. I loved him, I didn’t mean to make him
? suffer. And yet, even as I was holding his hand, even as I was affirming that
? I wanted to marry him, I knew clearly that if he hadn’t appeared that night
? at the restaurant I would have tried to sleep with Nino.
但我不能承认这一点，彼得罗不应该受到那样的对待。当然，假如我得到尼诺的话，我也会无怨无悔，我会找到一种方式把尼诺吸引过来，就像在过去那些年，从小学到高中，一直到伊斯基亚，还有马尔蒂里广场那段时期那样。尽管我不喜欢他说的关于莉拉的那句话，那句话让我很不安。我会得到尼诺，但我永远都不告诉彼得罗。也许，我会把这件事情告诉莉拉，但谁知道会是在什么时候呢，可能等到我们都老了吧，我想象着，无论是我还是她，到时候已经完全不在乎这些事了。时间，就像对于其他事情，是决定性的。拥有尼诺，可能就只有一夜，他会在早晨时离开。尽管我认识他很久了，但他一直在我的想象里，那些想象自我童年就开始了，由孩童时期的种种愿望组成，没有任何具体的内容，没有一个未来，我知道，和他永远在一起是不可能的。彼得罗属于现在，他像界碑一样确凿，他给我划出了一片崭新的领地，一片充满理性的天地。这片领域存在一些规范，这些规则来自他的家庭，就是要赋予每样东西意义，要捍卫伟大的理想，要坚持原则，要维护家族的声誉。在艾罗塔家的领地里，一切都不在话下，比如说结婚，就是一场世俗与宗教对峙的战争。彼得罗的父母没有在教堂结婚，只是在民政局做了登记。就我所知，彼得罗对宗教非常了解，可能是因为这个缘故，他也不会在教堂结婚。可能是他真的对宗教太了解了，他宁肯放弃我，也不会在教堂里结婚。洗礼的问题也一样，彼得罗没受过洗礼，马丽娅罗莎也没受过洗礼，因此将来我们生了孩子孩子也不会接受洗礼。他就是这样，事情肯定会向这个方向发展，就好像有人指挥着他一样。他没有神的支撑，支撑着他的是家庭，但这足以使他确信，自己站在真理和正义的一边。至于性，我不知道他的态度，但我知道他非常慎重。他非常了解我和弗朗科·马里之间的事情，他应该能推测出来，我不是处女，然而他从来都没提过那个话题，甚至连一个小小的玩笑都没开过，哪怕是一句绕弯子，或是带点儿醋意的话都没说过。我觉得，他应该没有别的女朋友，去召妓更是不可想象的事情，我也排除了他和其他男性谈论女人的可能。他特别讨厌黄色笑话，他也讨厌闲聊、聚会、大喊大叫以及任何形式的浪费。尽管他家境非常富裕，但他还是倾向于过一种节制的生活，有一次，他和父母以及姐姐为此产生了争论。他有着很强的责任感，他永远不可能辜负我，也不会背叛我。
I had a hard time admitting it to myself.
? Certainly it would have been an offense that Pietro didn’t deserve, and yet I
? would have committed it willingly and perhaps without remorse. I would have
? found a way to draw Nino to me, with all the years that had passed, from
? elementary school to high school, up to the time of Ischia and Piazza dei
? Martiri. I would have made love with him, even though I hadn’t liked that
? remark about Lila, and was distressed by it. I would have slept with him and
? to Pietro I would have said nothing. Maybe I could have told Lila, but who
? knows when, maybe as an old woman, when I imagined that nothing would matter
? anymore to her or to me. Time, as in all things, was decisive. Nino would
? last a single night, he would leave me in the morning. Even though I had
? known him forever, he was made of dreams, and holding on to him forever would
? have been impossible: he came from childhood, he was constructed out of
? childish desires, he had no concreteness, he didn’t face the future. Pietro,
? on the other hand, was of the present, massive, a boundary stone. He marked a
? land new to me, a land of good reasons, governed by rules that originated in
? his family and endowed everything with meaning. Grand ideals flourished, the
? cult of the reputation, matters of principle. Nothing in the sphere of the
? Airotas was perfunctory. Marriage, for example, was a contribution to a
? secular battle. Pietro’s parents had had only a civil wedding, and Pietro,
? although as far as I knew he had a vast religious knowledge, would never get
? married in a church; rather, he would give me up. The same went for baptism.
? Pietro hadn’t been baptized, nor had Mariarosa, so any children that might
? come wouldn’t be baptized, either. Everything about him had that tendency, seemed
? always to be guided by a superior order that, although its origin was not
? divine but came from his family, gave him, just the same, the certainty of
? being on the side of truth and justice. As for sex, I don’t know, he was
? wary. He knew enough of my affair with Franco Mari to deduce that I wasn’t a
? virgin, and yet he had never mentioned the subject, not even an accusatory
? phrase, a vulgar comment, a laugh. I didn’t think he’d had other girlfriends;
? it was hard to imagine him with a prostitute, I was sure he hadn’t spent even
? a minute of his life talking about women with other men. He hated salacious
? remarks. He hated gossip, raised voices, parties, every form of waste.
? Although his circumstances were comfortable, he tended—in this unlike his
? parents and his sister—to a sort of asceticism amid the abundance. And he had
? a conspicuous sense of duty, he would never fail in his commitments to me, he
? would never betray me.
是的，我不愿意失去他。尽管我上了学，但我的本性依然低俗，距离他的要求很远，假如我没法像他一样诚实规矩，那只能认命了，但他会让我摆脱我父亲卑劣的机会主义，还有我母亲的粗鲁。因此，我拼命地想把尼诺从脑子里排除出去，我拉着彼得罗的胳膊，喃喃地说：“是的，我们要尽早结婚，我想早点儿离开家，想考驾照，想旅行，我想有电话、电视机，我从来都是一无所有。”这时候，他高兴起来了，他笑了，他说好的，我说的他都答应。在距离宾馆不到几步的地方，他停了下来，用沙哑的声音问：“我能不能和你一起睡？”这是那天晚上的最后一个惊喜。我有些不安地看着他：过去有很多次，我都提议和他做爱，但他总是推脱；但在米兰，在这家宾馆里，在经历了书店里的争论和与尼诺的相遇之后，我觉得无法接受这件事情。我说：“我们已经等了很长时间了，我们可以再等等。”我在一个阴暗的角落里吻了他，在宾馆的门槛那里，我看着他走上了加里波第路，时不时回头看，对我羞怯地挥手。他凌乱的脚步，还有蓬乱地顶在头上的头发，忽然让我很心软。
No, I did not want to lose him. Never
? mind if my nature, coarse in spite of the education I had had, was far from
? his rigor, if I honestly didn’t know how I would stand up to all that
? geometry. He gave me the certainty that I was escaping the opportunistic
? malleability of my father and the crudeness of my mother. So I forced myself
? to repress the thought of Nino, I took Pietro by the arm, I murmured, yes,
? let’s get married as soon as possible, I want to leave home, I want to get a
? driver’s license, I want to travel, I want to have a telephone, a television,
? I’ve never had anything. And he at that point became cheerful, he laughed, he
? said yes to everything I randomly asked for. A few steps from the hotel he
? stopped, he whispered hoarsely: Can I sleep with youThat was the last
? surprise of the evening. I looked at him bewildered: I had been ready so many
? times to make love, he had always avoided it; but having him in the bed
? there, in Milan, in the hotel, after the traumatic discussion in the bookstore,
? after Nino, I didn’t feel like it. I answered: We’ve waited so long, we can
? wait a little longer. I kissed him in a dark corner, I watched him from the
? hotel entrance as he walked away along Corso Garibaldi, and every so often
? turned and waved timidly. His clumsy gait, his flat feet, the tangle of his
? hair moved me.
-*-
8
从那时候开始，我的生活就一直不得安生，接下来的几个月里，似乎每天都有这样或那样的事情发生，有好也有坏。回到那不勒斯，我脑子里一直在想着尼诺，想着我们那些没有任何结果的会面。我有时候会克制不住自己，想去找莉拉，等她上完班回来，给她讲那些可以讲的事情，尽量不伤害她。我觉得，提到尼诺就是对她的一种伤害，最终我还是放弃了。莉拉麻烦缠身，而尼诺已经有了自己的生活，我也有很多要紧的事要面对。比如说，从米兰回去的当天晚上，我就告诉我父母，彼得罗想来见他们，我们可能会在一年内结婚，婚后我们会去佛罗伦萨生活。
From that moment life began to pound me
? without respite, the months were rapidly grafted onto one another, there was
? no day when something good or bad didn’t happen. I returned to Naples,
? thinking about Nino, and that encounter without consequences, and at times
? the wish to see Lila was strong, to go and wait for her to come home from
? work, tell her what could be told without hurting her. Then I convinced
? myself that merely mentioning Nino would wound her, and I gave it up. Lila
? had gone her way, he his. I had urgent things to deal with. For example, the
? evening of my return from Milan I told my parents that Pietro was coming to
? meet them, that probably we would be married within the year, that I was
? going to live in Florence.
他们没有表现出惊喜，或者说高兴。我想，他们已经彻底习惯于我的来去自如，我已经成了家里的外人，对于家里的生活问题，从来都不过问。我觉得，我父亲有一点儿激动，这很正常，那些他从来没面对过的问题，总是让他有些焦虑。
They showed no joy, or even satisfaction.
? I thought that they had finally grown used to my coming and going as I liked,
? increasingly estranged from the family, indifferent to their problems of
? survival. And it seemed to me normal that only my father became somewhat
? agitated, always nervous at the prospect of situations he didn’t feel
? prepared for.
“那个大学教授真要来我们家里吗？”他有些不耐烦地问。
“Does the university professor have to
? come to our house?” he asked, in irritation.
“他不来咱家里，那他去哪儿？”我母亲发火了，“他不来这里，怎么向莱农求婚，怎么跟你提亲呢？”
“Where else?” my mother said angrily.
? “How can he ask you for Lenuccia’s hand if he doesn’t come here?”
通常，我母亲遇事要比父亲镇静，她很实际，而且很有决断，甚至让人觉得有些无情，她让丈夫闭嘴。我父亲去睡觉了，埃莉莎、佩佩和詹尼在餐厅里搭起了他们的床。她开始教训我，她的声音很低，但是是吼出来的，她红着眼睛盯着我，一字一句地说：“对于你来说，我们什么都不是，你总是在最后一刻才通知我们。你上了几天学，写了本书，要和一位大学教授结婚，就觉得自己特别了不起，觉得自己是千金小姐了，但是，我亲爱的，你是从这个肚子里出来的，你本质就是这样的，你尾巴不要翘得那么高。你永远不要忘了，假如你很聪明，那也是我生的你，我和你一样聪明，或者比你更聪明。假如我有你这样的机会，我也会和你做一样的事情，明白了吗？”在气头上，她先说因为我的缘故，因为我出去念书了，只考虑自己的事儿，我的几个弟弟在学校里成绩很差，一无是处；然后她问我要钱，理由是她需要钱给埃莉莎买一件像样的衣服，以及收拾收拾家里，因为我强迫她接待我的未婚夫。
Usually she seemed more prepared than he,
? concrete, resolute to the point of indifference. But once she had silenced
? him, once her husband had gone to bed and Elisa and Peppe and Gianni had set
? up their beds in the dining room, I had to change my mind. She attacked me in
? very low but shrill tones, hissing with reddened eyes: We are nothing to you,
? you tell us nothing until the last minute, the young lady thinks she’s
? somebody because she has an education, because she writes books, because
? she’s marrying a professor, but my dear, you came out of this belly and you
? are made of this substance, so don’t act superior and don’t ever forget that
? if you are intelligent, I who carried you in here am just as intelligent, if
? not more, and if I had had the chance I would have done the same as you,
? understandThen, on the crest of her rage, she first reproached me saying
? that because I had left, and thought only of myself, my siblings hadn’t done
? well in school, and then asked me for money, or, rather, demanded it: she
? needed it to buy a decent dress for Elisa and to fix up the house a bit,
? since I was forcing her to receive my fiancé.
我没有理会几个弟弟在学校的成绩，但马上给了她钱，尽管我知道那些钱不是用来收拾家里的，她不停地问我要钱，每个理由都是好的。她虽然没有明说，但她还是没办法接受我把钱存到邮局里，而不是像之前那样，把挣的钱全部交给她。以前我在迈佐卡农内书店工作，或者我带着文具店老板娘的女儿去海边，挣的钱都是全部给她的。我想，也许她觉得，我的钱都是属于她的，她想说服我，她觉得我也属于她，虽然我会结婚，我还是会永远属于她。
I passed over my siblings’ lack of
? success in school. The money, on the other hand, I gave her right away, even
? if it wasn’t true that she needed it for the house—she continually asked for
? money, any excuse would do. Although she had never said so explicitly, she
? still couldn’t accept the fact that I kept my money in a post-office savings
? account, that I hadn’t handed it over to her as I always had, ever since I
? first took the stationer’s daughters to the beach, or worked in the bookstore
? on Via Mezzocannone. Maybe, I thought, by acting as if my money belonged to
? her she wants to convince me that I myself belong to her, and that, even if I
? get married, I will belong to her forever.
我尽量保持平静，就像我们商量好了一样。我告诉她，我会给家里装一部电话，而且会分期付款给家里买一台电视。她有些不敢相信似地看着我，忽然做出一副很欣赏的表情，还是用刚才的语气对我说：
I remained calm, I told her as a sort of
? compensation that I would have a telephone put in, that I would buy a
? television on the installment plan. She looked at me uncertainly, with a
? sudden admiration that clashed with what she had just been saying.
“给家里装电话和电视？”
“A television and telephone in this house
? here?”
“当然了。”
“Yes.”
“你掏钱啊？”
“You’ll pay for it?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“你会一直出钱，结婚后也出钱啊？”
“Always, even after you’re married?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“那位教授知道不知道，我们一毛钱嫁妆也没有，也没钱请客？”
“The professor knows that there’s not a
? cent for a dowry, and not even for a reception?”
“他知道，我们不会举行婚宴。”
“He knows, and we’re not having a
? reception.”
她的心情又变坏了，眼睛变得通红。
Again her mood changed, her eyes became
? inflamed.
“什么，没有婚宴？你可以让他掏钱啊。”
“What do you mean, no receptionMake him
? pay.”
“不用，我们不会举行婚宴。”
“No, we’re doing without.”
我母亲又开始火冒三丈，她用各种话骂我，她想让我回应她，给她火上浇油。
My mother became furious again, she
? provoked me in every way she could think of, she wanted me to respond so that
? she could get angrier.
“你记不记得莉拉的婚礼，你记不记得当时的婚宴？”
“You remember Lila’s wedding, you
? remember the reception she had?”
“记得。”
“Yes.”
“你要比她好得多，你为什么不想办？”
“And you, who are much better than she
? is, don’t want to do anything?”
“不想。”
“No.”
我们一直都这样交流，最后我决定，与其慢慢玩味她的怒火，不如让她一次性发泄完。
We went on like that until I decided
? that, rather than taking her rage in doses, it would be better to have it all
? at once, one grand fury:
“妈！”我说，“我们不但不办婚宴，我们也不会在教堂里结婚，只是在市政府民政处结婚。”
“Ma,” I said, “not only are we not having
? a party but I’m not even getting married in church, I’m getting married at
? city hall.”
这时候，就好像一阵强风吹来，把门和窗子吹开了。尽管我母亲一点儿也不虔诚，但她开始失控地叫喊起来了，她满脸通红，整个人向前探着身子，骂得非常难听。她叫喊着说，如果没有神父，那婚姻是无效的！她说，假如我没在上帝面前结婚，那我就不是一个妻子，而是一个婊子。尽管她腿有些毛病，还是飞一般地去叫醒了我父亲还有我的几个弟弟，告诉他们她一直担心的事情，也就是说我上太多年学，把脑子学坏了。我那么幸运，那么一帆风顺，但我让别人像婊子一样对待，她说有这样一个不信主的女儿，她会羞得出不了门。
At that point it was as if doors and
? windows had been blown open by a strong wind. Although she wasn’t religious,
? my mother lost control and, leaning toward me, red in the face, began yelling
? insults at me. She shouted that the marriage was worthless if the priest
? didn’t say that it was valid. She shouted that if I didn’t get married before
? God I would never be a wife but only a whore, and, despite her lame leg, she
? almost flew as she went to wake my father, my siblings, to let them know what
? she had always feared, that too much education had ruined my brain, that I
? had had all the luck and yet I was treated like a whore, that she would never
? be able to go out of the house because of the shame of having a godless
? daughter.
我父亲穿着内裤出来了，他有些懵，几个弟弟妹妹想搞清楚我到底做了些什么，他们又要面对什么麻烦。他们尽量让我母亲平静下来，但没有用，她大喊大叫，说要马上把我从家里赶出去，她可不想忍受那样的屈辱，不想有一个像莉拉或艾达那样的女儿，连个正式婚姻都没有。这时候，尽管她没真的过来扇我耳光，只是在空中挥舞着手掌，但看起来就好像我是一个影子，而她打的是一个真实的我。她费了好大力气才平静下来，这是埃莉莎的功劳。我妹妹小心地问：
My father, stunned, in his underwear, and
? my siblings sought to understand what other trouble they had to deal with
? because of me, and tried to calm her, but in vain. She shouted that she
? wanted to throw me out of the house immediately, before I exposed her, too,
? her, too, to the shame of having a concubine daughter like Lila and Ada.
? Meanwhile, although she wasn’t actually hitting me, she struck the air as if
? I were a shadow and she had grabbed a real me, whom she was beating
? ferociously. It was some time before she quieted down, which she did thanks
? to Elisa. My sister asked cautiously:
“是你还是你未婚夫想在民政局结婚？”
“But is it you who want to get married at
? city hall or is it your fiancé?”
我跟她解释，其实是想给所有人解释清楚：我已经很长时间都没去教堂了，对我来说，无论在教堂结婚还是在民政局结婚，都是一样的；但对于我的未婚夫来说，在民政局结婚非常重要，他了解宗教的所有问题，他觉得宗教是一件神圣的事情，但教会在国家事务上干涉得太多了，已经变质了。我最后总结说，总之，假如我们不在民政局结婚的话，那他不会娶我的。
I explained to her, but as if I were
? explaining the matter to all of them, that for me the Church hadn’t counted
? for a long time, but that whether I got married at city hall or at the altar
? was the same to me; while for my fiancé it was very important to have only a
? civil ceremony, he knew all about religious matters and believed that
? religion, however valuable, was ruined precisely when it interfered in the
? affairs of the state. In other words, I concluded, if we don’t get married at
? city hall, he won’t marry me.
这时候，我父亲开始站到我母亲那一边，但现在他不再附和着抱怨，骂我了。
At that point my father, who had
? immediately sided with my mother, suddenly stopped echoing her insults and
? laments.
“他不会娶你？”
“He won’t marry you?”
“不会。”
“No.”
“他会怎么做？会和你分手？”
“And what will he do, leave you?”
“我们不结婚，但会一起去佛罗伦萨生活。”
“We’ll go and live together in Florence
? without getting married.”
这是我母亲最受不了的一句话。她简直怒不可遏，她说，我要是敢那么做，那她就会拿一把刀把我杀了。我父亲惊慌失措地捋着头发，对我母亲说：
That information my mother considered the
? most intolerable of all. She completely lost control, vowing that in that
? case she would take a knife and cut my throat. My father instead nervously
? ruffled his hair, and said to her:
“你先闭一下嘴，不要惹我的火，我们好好说。我们都很清楚，那些在神父面前结婚，又举行了一场盛宴的人，婚姻后来可能会非常糟糕。”
“Be quiet, don’t get me mad, let’s be
? reasonable. We know very well that someone can get married by the priest,
? have a fancy celebration, and still come to a bad end.”
他是在影射莉拉，这件事一直是我们城区的一桩丑闻。我母亲终于明白了，神父并不是一个保证，在我们生活的这个丑陋世界里，是没有任何保证的。她不再叫喊了，让我父亲来分析现在的情况，然后让我顺从。而她这时候一瘸一拐地在家里走来走去，还一边摇着头，一边骂着我未来的丈夫：“他是什么东西？教授？是Communist吗？什么屁教授！”她叫喊着说，“一个有这种想法的人，算是什么教授啊？混蛋才会这么想！”我父亲说：“不是这样，这个教授只是研究过宗教问题，他比任何人都明白，那些神父做了多少龌龊事儿，正因为这个原因，他才想着去民政局结婚。”“好吧，你说得对，很多党人都是这么做的。这样，你女儿就像没结婚一样，但我一点儿也不相信那个大学教授。如果他很爱我们的女儿，我没法相信，他会让莱农像破鞋一样，没结婚就和他生活在一起。”“无论如何，假如我们不相信他，那我们也应该相信市政府——但我相信他，尽管我还不认识他，他是一个非常重要的人，是很多姑娘都想嫁的人。我在市政府工作，我可以向你保证，那里举行的婚礼和在教堂里举行的婚礼一样有效，甚至更加有效。”
He, too, was obviously alluding to Lila,
? the ever-vivid scandal of the neighborhood, and my mother finally understood.
? The priest wasn’t a guarantee, nothing was a guarantee in the brutal world we
? lived in. So she stopped shouting and left to my father the task of examining
? the situation and, if necessary, letting me have my way. But she didn’t stop
? pacing, with her limp, shaking her head, insulting my future husband. What
? was he, the professorWas he a CommunistCommunist and professorProfessor
? of that shit, she shouted. What kind of professor is he, one who thinks like
? thatA shit thinks like that. No, replied my father, what do you mean shit,
? he’s a man who’s educated and knows better than anyone what disgusting things
? the priests do, that’s why he wants to go and say “I do” only at city hall.
? Yes, you’re right, a lot of Communists do that. Yes, you’re right, like this
? our daughter doesn’t seem married. But I would trust this university
? professor: he loves her. I can’t believe that he would put Lenuccia in a
? situation where she seems like a whore. And anyway if we don’t want to trust
? him—but I do trust him, even if I don’t know him yet: he’s an important
? person, the girls here dream of a match like that—at least we can trust the
? city hall. I work there, at the city hall, and a marriage there, I can assure
? you, is as valid as the one in church and maybe even more.
他们就这样又说了好几个小时，几个弟弟妹妹后来撑不住了，陆续都去睡觉了。我安慰我的父母，我想说服他们接受这件事，我觉得这对我进入彼得罗的世界非常重要。此外，通过这种方式，我感到自己比莉拉还要大胆。尤其是，假如我再遇到尼诺，我会用影射的方式对他说：“你看，那次我和宗教老师的争执，最后带来了什么结果。每个选择都会产生后果，很多时候，我们的生活都被挤压在一个角落里，等待着一个机会，而那个机会终会到来。”但可能是我夸张了，实际上事情很简单，已经有至少十年时间，我童年的那个上帝，对我的影响已经越来越微弱了，他就像一个生病的老人，躺在角落里。我一点儿也不需要神圣的婚姻，最核心的问题是：我要离开那不勒斯。
He went on for hours. My siblings at a
? certain point collapsed and went back to sleep. I stayed to soothe my parents
? and persuade them to accept something that for me, at that moment, was an
? important sign of my entrance into Pietro’s world. Besides, it made me feel
? bolder than Lila. And most of all, if I met Nino again, I would have liked to
? be able to say to him, in an allusive way: See where that argument with the
? religion teacher led, every choice has its history, so many moments of our
? existence are shoved into a corner, waiting for an outlet, and in the end the
? outlet arrives. But I would have been exaggerating, in reality it was much
? simpler. For at least ten years the God of childhood, already fairly weak,
? had been pushed aside like an old sick person, and I felt no need for the
? sanctity of marriage. The essential thing was to get out of Naples.